Writing stuff down

It can help to put things in perspective, but at the same time, does it over-simplify and completely fail to convey reality? It feels that way sometimes...

In a similar way, sometimes the unknown is altogether more exciting and interesting than the known. Once something is quantified it quickly becomes mundane.

What do you think?

Yo!

The last week has been pretty cool. Been really busy with this theatre show I am stage managing (opened on Thursday - been there every night all week), but feel like I have a handle on some other stuff (work/uni) which is kinda good. Though I am about 5 lectures behind in Marine Science... my bad.

Have taken a fair bit of time out this week to chill out, it's been necessary and worthwhile. Rushing around all the time does tend to make one tense. Also not having a car radio at the moment is driving me a bit insane, though it is being delivered, should be here next week thank god. So in summary, nothing particularly unusual has been happening lately.

I have been giving some more thought to what the hell it is I want in life, which is a harder question than I would've thought. When I really think about it, the things most people aim for in life seem a bit boring. Good job, nice house, etc... I can live without that stuff. I think I am a bit scared of convention. Perhaps it is related to a fear of being labeled. Anyway, 9-5 for the rest of my life would drive me nuts. Pity the government here cracked down on those people who spend their whole life studying, I could do that I reckon. Sometimes every day it feels like a part of me is awakening from a long, deep sleep. It's kinda good. I ramble.

I posted some of my favourite podcasts on the side bar... check them out. Once I have my new car stereo I can burn some of these onto CDs which should be pretty sweet for travelling to uni.

Where has fringe of consciousness gone??? Talk to me, ifreud...

Single

Beautiful sunny days shouldn't be depressing. I just want to go to the park with my girl and enjoy the day... only one problem with that.

I feel like it's true that you need to be happy being single before you can be truly happy in a relationship. Generally I'm a pretty happy guy - almost all the time. But then sometimes I have moments like this where I just really miss having someone to share life with. I guess it's normal. I don't even have any prospects of romance right now, which is disappointing in itself. That's probably a sign that I need to get out more... even though I am usually pretty content with how I live. Meeting new people just for the purpose of finding a partner seems a bit weird to me. I guess I want it to just fall in my lap, but I could wait forever for that to happen. With going away at the end of the year it doesn't even make sense to start a relationship now. Then again, relationships don't usually make sense...

Telephone Call

Mmmm hmmm, I know you've probably heard me ramble on enough about my ex. But hey, this is my blog and I can say what I like! And how.

So anyway, I had a mystery caller today (unknown number), and it was her. Kinda strange. I should probably preface this by explaining that after I did my whole feel-good thing the other day (see last entry), then she texted me back saying how wonderful her life was etc. etc... to which I felt kind of pissed off at and did not reply. Do I need her life to be shit for me to feel good about myself?

Anyway, she called me today and apparently her life is a bit shit after all. She told me she's seeing a psychologist for depression and has been prescribed with anti-depressants, she has also dropped uni this semester and is just working (in a fairly dead end job which she admits). Well, it did make me feel a bit better to know that she isn't just cruising along nicely without me, I guess that would lead me to wonder whether I was the reason for all the problems in our relationship. So I guess that explains my fear of it. Although I do hope that things work out for her in the end, I suppose I was just scared that it was all me, because I'm not confident enough in myself. Sigh.

Anyway, we actually ended up chatting for about half an hour, and while I was fairly guarded about letting her into my life in any way, it actually really was nice to talk to her. Not like, lets get back together or anything (maybe thats what she wants?) but it wasn't awkward or unpleasant for me, and I was glad to feel that way after the texting episode.

On an unrelated note, one of my friends had a baby today. 'India Marie'... what will they think of next...

Text Message

Today I had a text message from my ex, about a speaker on the radio she thought I may be interested in. It was strange: we haven't spoken in about 3 months, we broke up about a month before that. I'd decided it was too difficult to keep up the friendship, as it was incredibly frustrating at that time, and not good for me. So it came as a surprise when I had no ill feeling today in hearing from her. I feel I'm completely over the whole relationship, which is really good. I'm also amazed to think how much I have changed since we broke up. I feel 100% happier with myself now, and feel I'm really on a path leading straight forward into the rest of my life.

I also threw away some other notions I had today. I've learned to listen to my feelings a lot more lately, which has been a revival for me, but sometimes I think you can blow them out of proportion or maybe misunderstand them, and I was letting this happen a bit. It seems to be a delicate balance: the mind cannot dictate to the emotions, and must use the emotional side as a guide, this I have learned. If we ignore or suppress our feelings, we become robotic. But on the other hand, letting feelings dominate and becoming an emotional wreck is the other extreme, perhaps one I have come close to on a few occasions in the last few months.

Today brings a certain clarity, a definite happiness with where I am at, and also an increasing realisation that I must continue to focus on what is important to me, and the person that I want to be, with less worry about conforming to any social expectations. That road is fettered and uninspiring, and is antithetical to my soul.

Spring Air

Wonderful weather today... it feels like Spring already - if only!

Unfortunately I had to work all day. I went for a half-hour walk at lunch time which was gorgeous. When I got back I couldn't really concentrate on the computer, it was so hot and dry in the office with the heater on, just awful. I gave up around 3.00 and decided to go home; as soon as I walked out, I felt infinitely better. This year has made me truly realise how much I despise my job, and how much can be made of each moment in each day. Giving up full time work is probably the best thing I ever did.

Uni

It begins!

Pretty psyched for this semester, which is sweet. I got good results last semester and I'm ready to get stuck into it again. The holiday was just the right length.

Last night I was researching info on Turkey and my trepidation has turned back into excitement... without wanting to pre-empt it too much, I'm really looking forward. I think in the last month I would like to travel around Italy, France and Austria. They aren't too far from Turkey and all have points of interest. I'm really keen to see Venice for some reason.