Random Thoughts in a Random World

Writing stuff down

2006-08-29T00:45:00.000+09:30

It can help to put things in perspective, but at the same time, does it over-simplify and completely fail to convey reality? It feels that way sometimes...

In a similar way, sometimes the unknown is altogether more exciting and interesting than the known. Once something is quantified it quickly becomes mundane.

What do you think?

Yo!

2006-08-19T02:25:00.000+09:30

The last week has been pretty cool. Been really busy with this theatre show I am stage managing (opened on Thursday - been there every night all week), but feel like I have a handle on some other stuff (work/uni) which is kinda good. Though I am about 5 lectures behind in Marine Science... my bad.

Have taken a fair bit of time out this week to chill out, it's been necessary and worthwhile. Rushing around all the time does tend to make one tense. Also not having a car radio at the moment is driving me a bit insane, though it is being delivered, should be here next week thank god. So in summary, nothing particularly unusual has been happening lately.

I have been giving some more thought to what the hell it is I want in life, which is a harder question than I would've thought. When I really think about it, the things most people aim for in life seem a bit boring. Good job, nice house, etc... I can live without that stuff. I think I am a bit scared of convention. Perhaps it is related to a fear of being labeled. Anyway, 9-5 for the rest of my life would drive me nuts. Pity the government here cracked down on those people who spend their whole life studying, I could do that I reckon. Sometimes every day it feels like a part of me is awakening from a long, deep sleep. It's kinda good. I ramble.

I posted some of my favourite podcasts on the side bar... check them out. Once I have my new car stereo I can burn some of these onto CDs which should be pretty sweet for travelling to uni.

Where has fringe of consciousness gone??? Talk to me, ifreud...

Single

2006-08-12T12:25:00.000+09:30

Beautiful sunny days shouldn't be depressing. I just want to go to the park with my girl and enjoy the day... only one problem with that.

I feel like it's true that you need to be happy being single before you can be truly happy in a relationship. Generally I'm a pretty happy guy - almost all the time. But then sometimes I have moments like this where I just really miss having someone to share life with. I guess it's normal. I don't even have any prospects of romance right now, which is disappointing in itself. That's probably a sign that I need to get out more... even though I am usually pretty content with how I live. Meeting new people just for the purpose of finding a partner seems a bit weird to me. I guess I want it to just fall in my lap, but I could wait forever for that to happen. With going away at the end of the year it doesn't even make sense to start a relationship now. Then again, relationships don't usually make sense...

Telephone Call

2006-08-08T17:51:00.000+09:30

Mmmm hmmm, I know you've probably heard me ramble on enough about my ex. But hey, this is my blog and I can say what I like! And how.

So anyway, I had a mystery caller today (unknown number), and it was her. Kinda strange. I should probably preface this by explaining that after I did my whole feel-good thing the other day (see last entry), then she texted me back saying how wonderful her life was etc. etc... to which I felt kind of pissed off at and did not reply. Do I need her life to be shit for me to feel good about myself?

Anyway, she called me today and apparently her life is a bit shit after all. She told me she's seeing a psychologist for depression and has been prescribed with anti-depressants, she has also dropped uni this semester and is just working (in a fairly dead end job which she admits). Well, it did make me feel a bit better to know that she isn't just cruising along nicely without me, I guess that would lead me to wonder whether I was the reason for all the problems in our relationship. So I guess that explains my fear of it. Although I do hope that things work out for her in the end, I suppose I was just scared that it was all me, because I'm not confident enough in myself. Sigh.

Anyway, we actually ended up chatting for about half an hour, and while I was fairly guarded about letting her into my life in any way, it actually really was nice to talk to her. Not like, lets get back together or anything (maybe thats what she wants?) but it wasn't awkward or unpleasant for me, and I was glad to feel that way after the texting episode.

On an unrelated note, one of my friends had a baby today. 'India Marie'... what will they think of next...

Text Message

2006-08-03T12:30:00.000+09:30

Today I had a text message from my ex, about a speaker on the radio she thought I may be interested in. It was strange: we haven't spoken in about 3 months, we broke up about a month before that. I'd decided it was too difficult to keep up the friendship, as it was incredibly frustrating at that time, and not good for me. So it came as a surprise when I had no ill feeling today in hearing from her. I feel I'm completely over the whole relationship, which is really good. I'm also amazed to think how much I have changed since we broke up. I feel 100% happier with myself now, and feel I'm really on a path leading straight forward into the rest of my life.

I also threw away some other notions I had today. I've learned to listen to my feelings a lot more lately, which has been a revival for me, but sometimes I think you can blow them out of proportion or maybe misunderstand them, and I was letting this happen a bit. It seems to be a delicate balance: the mind cannot dictate to the emotions, and must use the emotional side as a guide, this I have learned. If we ignore or suppress our feelings, we become robotic. But on the other hand, letting feelings dominate and becoming an emotional wreck is the other extreme, perhaps one I have come close to on a few occasions in the last few months.

Today brings a certain clarity, a definite happiness with where I am at, and also an increasing realisation that I must continue to focus on what is important to me, and the person that I want to be, with less worry about conforming to any social expectations. That road is fettered and uninspiring, and is antithetical to my soul.

Spring Air

2006-07-26T16:33:00.000+09:30

Wonderful weather today... it feels like Spring already - if only!

Unfortunately I had to work all day. I went for a half-hour walk at lunch time which was gorgeous. When I got back I couldn't really concentrate on the computer, it was so hot and dry in the office with the heater on, just awful. I gave up around 3.00 and decided to go home; as soon as I walked out, I felt infinitely better. This year has made me truly realise how much I despise my job, and how much can be made of each moment in each day. Giving up full time work is probably the best thing I ever did.

Uni

2006-07-23T22:44:00.000+09:30

It begins!

Pretty psyched for this semester, which is sweet. I got good results last semester and I'm ready to get stuck into it again. The holiday was just the right length.

Last night I was researching info on Turkey and my trepidation has turned back into excitement... without wanting to pre-empt it too much, I'm really looking forward. I think in the last month I would like to travel around Italy, France and Austria. They aren't too far from Turkey and all have points of interest. I'm really keen to see Venice for some reason.

A Tangled Web of Me

2006-07-20T23:29:00.000+09:30

The last few weeks have been so peaceful and relaxing, I'm sure I will look back on them with envy before long. Still, in a way it's been good that I've been able to slow down and just have a few days of doing absolutely nothing.

Next week uni starts up again, and what with that and the theatre production I am working on, and of course work, I will be flat out once again. In a way it will be good; in a way holidays are frustrating because your life suddenly slows down so much and you have very little to do compared to normal, and so at times it's a struggle to find things to do. But that said, it has been wonderful to have a hiatus, however brief. A month is a good time to relax and refresh oneself, and I'm looking forward to the semester ahead.

I've booked my ticket to Turkey - I leave on the 25th of November, the day after the exam period finishes. It was hugely exciting when I booked, I think I'm going through a phase of being daunted now, but I'm sure it will come full circle. Mainly the prospect of having to earn a living in a foreign country for 3 months... but the challenge is one of the main reasons for doing it. Lately I feel like I can really do anything I put my mind to, so I guess this will be a good test.

I promised to write on the book I'm reading, No Logo, and I want to give a more full discussion later, but here's a few notes. I'm almost to the end of the book now.

Interestingly, No Logo challenges some of the thoughts in the Ayn Rand book I am also slowly tackling, Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal. Rand's philosophy is that the free market should be left to its own devices, and the less political intervention the better. She advocates pure capitalism over a mixed economy, such that solely the market forces are left to drive the demand. Rand also cites government intervention and vested interest as damaging to the capitalist system, which she saw being subverted in America at the time of writing, in the 1940s-1950s.

While Rand's observations may have had great validity at time of writing, in No Logo, Naomi Klein addresses the modern day issues of branding and the abstraction of brands from products, and the manufacture of these products. In the modern clothing industry, most money goes into creating a brand, while the dirty work of product manufacture is contracted out to undeveloped economies. While creating work for other countries is not bad in itself, part of the reason the work can be done so cheaply there is the tendency for human rights and safe working conditions to be overlooked.

No Logo does beg another question: what benefit is all the money spent on marketing campaigns for humankind? Sure, it keeps people in work, but let's face it, the world is not wealthy enough that we're running out of work, and if it was, that could only be a good thing. As I see it, advertising beyond the point of getting your product known in the marketplace is entirely wasteful. Increasing supply of product is simply a matter of increasing the number of contractors you have; no large multinational clothing companies manufacture their own product anymore. Marketing, in the main, either creates an artificial demand for a product, or simply moves customers from one supplier to another. This seems like a huge waste of productivity. Perhaps it is a contributor to America's rising foreign debt. Maybe they should go back to making stuff, or better yet, devising improved ways to make stuff. Whatever happened to the American inventor?

The marketing machine also contributes to the increasing distance between us consumers and the makers of the product. How is it that the cost of making goods is often only a mere fraction of the retail price? Having so many middlemen who need to take a cut of the pie is not efficiency.

Consumers need more information about the conditions in which the product was produced. This seems to be the intent of the labels such FairTrade. In this system, the consumers must be aware of the label and what it means.

When it comes down to it, I believe the fundamental problem is that human rights are not policed in a consistent manner across the globe. When countries were relatively closed off to one another this was less of an issue, but with the advent of globalisation, there is the potential for the wealthy in the developed countries to exploit the poor in the undeveloped countries. There must be a global framework for these interactions, but the U.N. does not seem to have it all figured yet. Admittedly, they have their work cut out for them.

With a framework of basic rights and laws for everyone, capitalism as proposed by Rand might stand more of a chance. Without a level playing field, there will inevitably be problems again and again. While consumer awareness is a good thing and boycotts and the like have been used to successfully to curb the inhumane actions of companies in some cases, often enough there are few successful competitors to turn to who are not engaged in similar practices. There are plenty of people who are immoral or desperate enough to let it happen if there is insufficient policing.

I believe the issue of government intervention and vested interests, as mentioned in Capitalism, is also important in itself. In Australia the vested interest in the coal industry appears to be holding the federal government back from truly pursuing next generation energy technology. This technology would benefit our country greatly, as well as contributing to the world in the form of clean energy for our planet's future. Another instance of vested interest, I believe, is in tobacco taxes. If tobacco was not such a big earner for our government, perhaps its stance on a drug that will inevitably cost our country huge amounts in health care would be different - not to mention the human toll it takes. While tobacco clearly could not practically be made illegal, more must be done to educate young people and regulate supply.

How do we tackle these issues? I think by exercising our democratic right to vote (compulsory in this country!) and putting humans before dollars. Economies are great, but a strong economy really means we're consuming more stuff, which is not the answer to everything. If you eat too much food you get fat. We must also be more aware as consumers: until there are better controls in place, it's easy for us to endorse inhumane actions by simply buying a product. With information ever more freely available, it is hopeful that we can make more educated decisions.

Just some food for thought... hopefully I did not overindulge...

The Farm Trip

2006-07-15T18:02:00.000+09:30

Just got back from the farm so I wanted to write some notes on the trip while I eat my cheese on toast. While you're welcome to read this, bear in mind that it is intended as a personal record of my trip, so probably no philosophical ramblings: don't blame me if I bore you!

It was a pretty successful few days: I left on Tuesday, spent most of the day driving over, then from Wednesday to Friday was working on the farm, and most of today driving back. The farm is over on the Eyre Peninsula, to the West of Adelaide. It's about a 7 hour drive if you don't stop for too long. My grandparents ran the farm since back in the 50s when my mum grew up there; my grandfather retired from it about 4 years ago, and my uncle has been looking after it since then, though he is semi-retired.

The drive over was pretty uneventful, though it was interesting to pass through some of the towns whose names I hear quite often but have not seen since childhood. The highways were pretty easy driving all the way until I hit the dirt road, about 50km from the property. I stopped off a few times before then, once to buy socks in Port Augusta (which I realised I had forgotten to pack), for fuel in Whyalla, and a stretch of the legs in Cowell. The dirt road was the most challenging part of the drive because I was pretty buggered and also had to look out for kangaroos, crossroads, potholes, other vehicles etc.

It was great to finally get to the farm, and since I have not been over for at least 10 years, wonderful to rediscover the place. I stayed there a number of times in my childhood and it was amazing the things I saw this trip that triggered those memories. The farm house was fairly untouched from when my grandparents lived there, and the place even smelt the same. On arrival my aunt was at the house and it was good to have a cuppa with her and sit down to relax by the fire, which was nice and warm. The weather had been clear all day and was still good, so after that I walked down to the sheds to see if I could find my uncle, who showed up not long after. He was half way through dealing with some rabbit warrens so I helped with that. Last time I was at the farm it was spot-lighting and rabbit traps, these days you put special pellets down a tube into the warrens and cover them up. The pellets quickly turn into a gas which disperses throughout, and (hopefully) wipes out the inhabitants.

On Wednesday I learned how to drive the tractor, which we used for removing some old fence posts. We spoke with a contractor who had arrived to work on direct seeding some native trees. My uncle has been doing a lot of restoration work on site which was particularly interesting for me in relation to the Environmental Science course I'm studying at uni. The water table on the farm is quite high and because of this there are salt problems in many paddocks. Attempts to plant trees have failed in the past because as soon as the roots hit the water table, the tree cannot continue to grow. In an attempt to fix this, the creek running through the property has been deepened to ~1.25m and lateral drainage channels ~1m deep were cut around three years ago. Since their creation, the drains have been running year-long with groundwater escaping. The swampy, salty areas and the creek itself have been fenced off from livestock, so that trees can grow there without disruption. Young trees are already coming up in several places, vindicating the capital expense on the project thus far, which is encouraging. On Wednesday afternoon, we built some fencing across the creek, a job which I became well-skilled in during my visit.

On Thursday we continued work on the fencing and chopped lots of wood for the fire. It was bloody cold all day so I was wearing a beanie and lots of jumpers which helped. My nose was worse than a leaky tap.

Friday we did some fence repairs, and then used the tractor to move a trough from one paddock to another, which was pretty involved. We worked to about 3 o'clock before we came in for lunch, as the weather was turning nasty so no more work was possible in the afternoon.

Today I drove back and my aunt came with me, as my uncle was planning to stay on for a couple of extra days. The weather was pretty changeable which had turned the dirt road into sludge in places, so it was slow going. Once we got to the highway things were better, though visibility was poor once we got near home. I dropped my aunt at her farm near Spalding, around 2 hours drive from Adelaide where I live. Rather than staying the night there, which I was considering, I decided to keep moving on and made it back home before dark. Unfortunately my car stereo packed up not long after leaving Spalding, which was bloody irritating at that moment since I was loving the CD I was listening to... maybe I had it cranked up too high or something.

So, overall a pretty nice trip - it was wonderful to get away from everything for a while, and being out on the open road gives you a real sense of freedom. I've definitely resolved to road-trip more often. Thinking about going up to Queensland in the mid-semester holidays coming up in a few months, though if the petrol prices stay as they are, flying would be much cheaper.

Having time with my aunt and uncle was refreshing as they are two very earthy people, who always go out of their way to look after me. Spending my days working outside was an interesting experiment, as I have long anticipated that I'd enjoy outside work as part of my job. The work was quite physically demanding, but not a great stress on the brain, which was quite welcome as far as I was concerned (it was supposed to be a holiday after all). Probably something in the middle would be ideal: work outside often, with some thinking and some doing. Probably something along the lines of what I'm studying - yay! Coming home at night only physically exhausted was a welcome change from the mental exhaustion I usually experience after a day at work. It meant sleeping well and worrying less.

Evenings were also relaxing as there was not much contact with the outside world. I can't say I missed the internet too much. I spent a lot of time reading (No Logo by Naomi Klein - more on this later). I haven't read that much for years, and I think I should read more often. It's something I have been saying for a while, but I can see it is worthwhile, if I can draw myself away from distractions on the computer and the cruft that one finds on the TV most nights.

So that's about it for now - the time away and thinking time has also given me much to ruminate upon, which I'll elaborate on soon, but in general it was a successful trip and probably the highlight of my holidays thus far. Trips shall be more oftenly embarked upon from here on in, I say.

WPT poker is on tonight - lookin' forward!

Istanbul, or Constantinople?

2006-07-05T22:37:00.000+09:30

A few short months ago I would have told anyone who asked that dreamed very rarely.

Last night I had a short dream and I only remember one part. I was talking to my mum about my ex and she said that she really liked her. Weird, because I'm quite sure my mum had no real love for my ex, even though she was very welcoming to her.

Yesterday I went to the book shop and found a book by Freud on the interpretation of dreams. Being a poor student I didn't buy it but leafed through a bit. It looks interesting; I only read the section on wish-dreams, which I'm fairly sure this was not, but I may go back and buy it so I can find out more.

The night before last I had another dream, this one certainly a wish dream, but with a twist. I was in an open outside area with no memorable features, and there were a number of people. There was a girl I know, who I have a bit of a crush on, and she told me that she didn't think I liked her. I told her I thought she was gorgeous and we kissed (yes, kissing girls features a lot in my dreams of late). But then she turned into a different girl, and my feelings of joy quickly turned into disappointment. I wonder what that symbolises.

Talked to my cuz tonight on skype about going to Turkey. Was good to get an idea of her movements, they are coming to Australia for christmas so I have free accomodation in Istanbul for a month - pretty stoked! I may even be able to fill in for her job (she works as a nanny), so even better. The thought of going in a few short months is immensely exciting and just a little daunting. I like talking about it, hopefully I have not bored anyone to tears too much yet. It'll probably be worse when I get back so get used to it!

Also very much looking forward to my trip to the farm next week. I'm only working one day in the next fortnight (this Friday) which is a huge relief, holidays proper are starting which is awesome. The last week and a half has been pretty hectic really. Today I went to the library and borrowed some reading material for my trip, I have one book by Jung and one De Bono so I'll not be short of intellectual stimulation. Hopefully it will be a good chance to get to know my uncle better too, as we have never been really close though he is a great guy with a lot of life experience.

Not much has been happening so far this week because of work and the theatre show I am stage managing in my spare time. Today I had a sleep in which was awesome - more sleep-ins I say! I also got some long-overdue chores done. Tomorrow should be good, another sleep in! Friday after work I might be going spa'ing again with Amy, that would be a sweet end to the week. I want a spa. Maybe for my birthday next year. Hey, I'm gonna be in Turkey for my birthday! Cool. This year I was in Thailand for my birthday. Maybe I'll try to maintain the habit...

Head vs Heart

2006-07-01T10:34:00.000+09:30

I just woke up. First chance to sleep in since Monday, it was awesome. I always wake up feeling so right after a good long sleep. It's raining outside, but I'm in my bed, nice and warm.

Well, it's been another eventful week. I had to work lots which is sucky, but in return I am going for a holiday the week after next, to my grandparents' farm. They don't live there anymore but it's a nice relaxing place to go. My uncle and aunt will be staying there so there will be company. It's going to be nice to just get that far (8hrs) away from everything in my life for a while. Not that I have anything to run away from at the moment; on the contrary, lately it feels as though the planets have been aligned for me or something.

Over the last couple of months (since my relationship ended, really) I've learned to listen to my own priorities a bit more and allowed myself to show the true "me" to people. This has been due to several factors. Firstly, this blog, which has allowed me to get some things down on "paper" that I would never have written normally. The break-up, obviously, which refocused my life back on myself. Because she was a selfish being it made things harder, not easier, for me to place importance on my own wants and needs. In retrospect, we were completely wrong for each other. Retrospect is the best spect. Going to uni and my friendship with Amy has given me new chances to open up and has (gently) forced me into revealing hidden parts of myself. I don't think anyone has ever gone to as much effort to really get to know me. I think that gave me confidence I needed, and now I feel as though I have reached a whole new level of myself.

Re-discovering the internal me has also changed the way I live my life from day to day. When I was a kid I was totally in touch with my emotions, some would say way too in touch (blog-friend ifreud thinks this may a psychological phenomenon known as "absorption"). Because I was different to other kids I had trouble making friends at school and so on. As I've grown up, perhaps because of this, I've put a lot of emphasis on what is going on in my head, and tried to control my actions thusly. Almost to the point of becoming a bit robotic. The feelings were still there of course, but I was repressing them and trying to control them. The process of the last few months has exposed these feelings (this became evident around the time of my love dream). Feeling emotion that strong, that beautiful, that powerful, made me want to open up to what was within myself. I feel I've been able to accomplish that to some extent, and there is more to come with time. The process has been a huge release for me.

I think I've also started to lose my head-driven needs to comply and fit in with social norms. This is good because this demand I placed on myself always conflicted with internal feelings, making me feel uncomfortable in a way I could not really understand. I also know that I am happy to be a little eccentric if some people see me that way. Breaking through social barriers is more rewarding than trying to stay within the lines drawn for us by society. Finding similar people who I can relate to on my level is difficult but worthwhile. Opening up to my heart again has given me new peace, happiness, confidence and motivation for life. Over these last weeks my state of mind has gone from strength to strength. Happiness has been near-constant.

Amy has been experiencing a similar time of refocusing on feelings, though she seems to feel more overwhelmed and out of control with this at times. Strangely enough, I don't feel this - sometimes I can happily be almost washed away in my feelings. Sometimes it feels like all the unimportant parts of me are washed away with it and what's left is just my quintessential self. I still listen to my head, too, at times. I suppose there must be a balance, as with everything in life.

On Thursday we got a lot closer again. It seems there is nothing we cannot talk about with each other. I value that so highly because there is no-one else away from blog-land who I can share so much with, not even my mum. Being able to be so honest and complete with another human is wonderful for your soul. With someone face to face it is even better than anonymous blogging.

I've been drinking a lot more tea lately. I wonder if that relates to anything? I used to drink it a fair bit, but i've hardly had any at all over the last 12 months. Now I crave it. Any suggestions, ifreud?

Holidays, yay!

2006-06-23T16:57:00.000+09:30

Yes, it's finally that time of the year.

Had my last exam yesterday (meh!) so as of last night I was free! Well, except for work and all that. Had a fabulous spa at Sam's place last night with pizza and beer, it was quite the good evening, definitely the right way to kick off the holiday period. Even after I got home I was still feeling the spa-ey goodness throughout my body. I'm tempted to invest in one, I'd probably stay in it all winter though!

So this weekend I am at my folks' place, looking after my sisters. Should be good. We are cooking stir fry tonight... yummy...

Not much else is going on. I'm gonna have to find some stuff to occupy myself with during the holidays, though I am planning a couple of short trips, organising the end of year holidays o/s and starting work on a theatre show too so it could end up being busy... not TOO busy I hope, sometimes life should be all about sitting back and taking it easy I reckon. And that's what I intend to do...

Exams? Schmexams.

2006-06-17T21:37:00.000+09:30

I'm very good at procrastinating. Perhaps I should list it on my resume as a key skill.

I have 3 exams this week and I should be trying to cram information into my already overloaded brain. I've been slack; Monday at Amy's was good as we got some biology done. But there's heaps more to do - tomorrow I guess. Ah well, at least I'm living the uni bum dream.

It's been an awesome week though. Monday seems a long time ago actually. I feel that I've changed a lot since then, which is kinda cool. I think I'm learning to not require as much validation from others for being me. Or perhaps more accurately I'm feeling more comfortable to expose who I am around others, indiscriminately. My mind has been in a happy place the last few days. I'm not 100% sure why, I just feel very much at peace with the world. I think I might actually be enjoying being single for a change, though I do still miss intimacy very much.

This week I started to think a bit more about the future and I think that has helped me as well. Before then, I didn't have many real goals for the next 5 years or so. I'm definitely interested in traveling more, and I'm starting to realise I have to make decisions now to make that happen, otherwise it will just stay as an idea. It's kinda exciting!

Amy

2006-06-15T22:41:00.000+09:30

Doesn't she rock?

Awesome dream

2006-06-14T14:55:00.000+09:30

Had this awesome dream last night. It's amazing how vivid feelings are in your dreams. I don't remember most dreams I have, which is unfortunate, and I tend to even forget details of them once I wake up which is really annoying. So I think there was more to this one but I only remember the really vivid bit.

As often happens in dreams, things were very similar to real life but not quite the same. I was at a place which I knew was uni, even though it wasn't a place I'd ever been to at uni. There was a big group of people hanging around outside this building waiting to go in, or something. Then it cut to a bedroom, and I was there with this chick who was a lot like a chick I know at uni. No, this doesn't get very dirty. Anyway, we were talking, and I was feeling really close to her, then we kissed and it gave me such a good feeling (in my head not my pants). It was just super intense. Felt like I was in love, but way more intense than I have ever loved anyone else. Wow. Even just thinking about it now makes me smile and feel good.

Kinda gave me hope! Even though I know things would never work with the real life incarnation of my dream girl... oh well... I'm sure I will find her one day...

Constants are changing

2006-06-08T21:22:00.000+09:30

As I lay here trying to learn chemistry and listening to Jazzmusique, this track by Boards of Canada came on, a bit frenetic but strangely beautiful. I had a brief moment of being entirely at peace with who I am and where I'm at.

The unwinding

2006-06-03T23:41:00.000+09:30

Blech.

Last night I went to see Something for Kate play, with my ex. It was an awesome gig, but she is really messing with my head. Think she was drunk or on something when I arrived, called me 3 times on my way there even though it was not yet the pre-arranged time, before asking me if I brought the tickets (which I'd never had). She managed to get her mum to drop the tickets, meanwhile she asks me about my love life.

Weird, because I knew for a fact that she didn't want to hear about my love life. As if anything was going on in it anyway (we broke up like 5 weeks ago, I need to be by myself for a bit). Of course she just wanted me to ask about HER love life. So she could tell me about some guy she's seeing. Some guy who she lied to me about, 2 weeks after we broke up. She told me that he was creepy and trying to get together with her but she wasn't interested at all.

It's almost as if she gets a kick out of lying to people. I saw it happen when we were together and it bothered me - most of the time it wasn't even necessary to say anything. She could have just not mentioned this guy. But instead she has to lie to me, I just don't understand it. Personally I try to avoid lies whenever possible, they just end up screwing you up in the end.

So anyway now she's with this guy apparently, and she was just itching to talk to me about it. Not to mention texting him constantly while I was there. Then she asked if that made me uncomfortable. I know for a fact she would not be comfortable if I was even seeing someone else, let alone try to talk about it. I've really started to see how selfish, inconsiderate and insecure she really is.

I'm amazed that I could have loved her because I sure don't now. I still feel sorry for her because she's so messed up. But I have to stop looking after her, she doesn't appreciate it and it just ends up making me angry. I wish her life wasn't so screwed but I just cant involve myself any longer.

It really hurts for some reason. I guess it's just separation kicking in. Before, it was like we just weren't seeing each other; now, all respect I had for her is gone. I think it also hurts to think that she never really cared about me like I did for her... like with my previous ex we still talk and we have a mutual respect and caring for each other's lives even though we don't see each other much. I wish my judgement had been better but I guess this is how you learn. I guess I just have to feel fortunate that the break-up happened and I've been able to see all this from the other side.

*sigh*

It's hard getting used to not having a partner in your life, someone to share your innermost thoughts with. Yay for blogging...

Weird day

2006-05-30T21:55:00.000+09:30

Yes, it was a weird day. I woke up early - that's just plain weird to begin with. Didn't go back to bed (weird). Went to work (of all places - weird) at 8am. Work was interesting (you guessed it), then I had a lab at uni and I was acting weird. Then other people were acting weird - strange huh! Did I cause that though? Or was I just more receptive to their weirdness because of my weird mood?

Who knows.

Did my reading the other night. Ayn Rand - Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal. I've had a bit of an anti-capitalist bent lately, and I wanted to learn more about it so I understoood what I was disliking. Have to admit, it's made me think about things a lot. And of course posed lots more questions. You've gotta hate that.

Anyway, I am going to digest it a bit more, and probably re-read some of it, then I'll post some thoughts on here (and the inevitable questions). The book is structured as a series of articles so it makes for good interrupted reading. But probably not the best for bedtime reading (obvious reasons).

Forgot to mention how PISSED I was with Webber's engine failure on Sunday. Ai... so close. Ah well, at least it had the knock-on effect on Kimi. That was sweeeet.

What can Webber do - from 2nd?

2006-05-28T20:24:00.000+09:30

Well, that's the big question on my lips, even if no-one else cares.

It's been a busy and interesting week. About a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend and we haven't seen much of each other since then, though we've spoken a fair bit. Things have been pretty friendly in general, but the last few times we've spoken it has felt like we are on a different wavelength, or even that she doesn't actually like me very much. Maybe she's just convincing herself of that to ease the separation, or perhaps these things have just become more apparent since we broke up (they have for me!). In any case, it feels like things are getting less friendly and I think that's unnecessary, even if that's how we're both feeling.

On the up-side, my house is (almost) clean now. Yay! Feels nicer. Not that I'm a clean freak or anything.

Time to do some reading I think - funny but lately I've always felt like picking up a book would be so unproductive. Yet I waste heaps of time doing other stuff. Weird, huh?

Blogger is brokamafone

2006-05-09T01:04:00.000+09:30

Fuck. I'm trying to post a photo and the damn thing just hangs.

Oh well, time for sleep now anyway... maybe I will have time for a decent post later.

Dead ends

2006-04-14T19:31:00.000+09:30

Having heaps of thoughts at the moment, but nothing going anywhere. Just had an important one: what matters in life?

I think it's tied up pretty closely with what makes us happy. At least personally, I can't imagine having a complete life without being happy. It's not an easy thing to achieve though... at least not in my experience. I don't believe that belongings really bring happiness. I'm lucky enough to have what I need to live, and then some. But happiness is definitely tied up with the other people in your life.

A few years ago I read a book about happiness, which proposed that we need to feel validated by the people in our social circle. Too much validation and we feel like they are below us, not enough and we feel belittled by them. It really holds true in friendships, in my opinion. But it's a little too cold to really explain happiness.

When am I happy? It's such a diverse thing. Sometimes happiness is just listening to music that really inspires me, but other times the same piece does nothing. Eating good food, sometimes. Happiness is certainly being close with others, particularly my partner. Communicating, more specifically. Sometimes that means feeling understood, sometimes just sharing a joke together. Or talking about our day, or a moment we shared in the past. These things can make me feel very content. We can have too much of any of them though. I guess it's like cake: the first slice is great, going back for seconds is fine, but it all goes downhill from there.

Can we expect to find happiness all the time? I mean, bad stuff happens in life, and we can be sad, but sometimes being sad is still OK. Maybe happiness isn't really the right word, but the contentness I mentioned earlier fits the feeling well. For me it's feeling good about myself, and good about my life. A few little bad events can't even touch that when you have it right.

I guess feeling proud of who you are and what you do with your life is a cornerstone of contentment, at least for me. If we feel bad about ourselves then the things I mentioned above might not count for much, even if they do make us happy for a little. Personal pride is really all-encompassing: what we believe in, who our friends are, how we treat those friends and strangers, and what our contribution to the world is.

I personally find it incredible that people get stuck inside a sphere and can only interact within that sphere. Like, there is so much stuff going on in the world that is wrong, but we do nothing about it. Most of us are only exposed to a fraction of the world, and this is what our thoughts and opinions are based on. I am amazed that people in other countries are dying because they don't have food. Admittedly, I'm not doing much about it. I don't really know what we can do about it. That's just the trouble. It's easy to blame it on our governments but that's a long discussion to get into, and probably not altogether the issue. We're really just quite greedy. People with much less than us seem to be able to find just as much happiness and contentment. It makes me feel like, as a society, we're pursuing wealth for entirely wrong reasons. Maybe this is obvious, but it's been happening for centuries and we're showing no signs of enlightenment.

I really don't want to get negative about things. It's happened before, and I'm sure it will happen again, but it's just too easy to think that way. It's depressing and unproductive. In fact, it's probably half our issue. Whatever happens to us as a global society, the best thing for me to do is to do something with my life that I feel is worthwhile and contributing to the world in a worthwhile way. Sure, that sounds a bit lame, but I don't feel right being a net consumer rather than a producer. It's just so easy for us to accept the status quo, and keep going on in the dodgy framework that we as a society have set up for ourselves. Hell, we whinge at the people in our society who are overly and ridiculously wealthy - that's what we as developed nations are, on a global scale. Probably most of us just haven't seen it that way yet.

Wow, we sure went off course there. It's really all inter-related, though. Where was I? Feeling content about our place and contribution to the world. Yep, important. As I was saying, people get stuck inside their own tiny lives and can't see the bigger picture. This is my explanation of why many people are not more alarmed at the issues within our global society. It's a perspective thing - just like it's hard to imagine the world forming over a 6 billion year period, because we live day to day. Our own little slice of life is all we tangibly perceive: the rest can exist only inside our head, formed from words, pictures and video we take in through books, television and other media. I guess that takes a fair bit of intelligence.

When you go overseas into a country with some completely different culture, it's tough to adapt to! Even if you are totally prepared in your head for it. That's the gap between tangible perception and imagination. If everyone went to see the dying people across the world then I'm sure something more would be done about it. Wouldn't we find it hard to be happy in that world, unless we did something? It's kind of like when that homeless man approaches you on the street and asks for your small change. Most of us don't want to think about his real situation, it messes with our perception of the world. It's much easier to come up with excuses that he deserves to be living like that. How do we know? If you're reading this then the chances are you are one hell of a lot luckier than he is.

Tonight

2006-04-12T21:14:00.000+09:30

Tonight I have an urge to create something... to put something in a place away from me. To crystallize some of my thoughts into words.

I'm a little bored to be honest. In kind of a good way (?) - I don't really want company... I'm not really sure what I want. My place is a bit of a mess and I really should be cleaning but it's not really that important. But it's like I need something to do - something other than watching TV or reading, something other than work, and something other than study. It doesn't have to advance me as a person but I'd like to be able to put my energy into creating something that I can be proud of. I guess that's what this is... but I'm not sure if I want anyone else to read it or not. Certainly not anyone who knows me. Not sure why.

I've planned to do lots of things in the last few years and sometimes I wish I was more proactive in following through... but then I'm pretty busy lately so I guess I shouldn't feel bad about it. I've thought about writing a book before but I'm not sure what to write about. I think life in general is as good as anything. It's something I've got a little experience with.

Life screws with your head sometimes. There's so many things with different priorities in your life... it's just not simple. I guess that's why we like to just kick back and forget about it sometimes. Why should we battle with it though? I don't know. Just seems like we're fooling ourselves sometimes. Ah well. Can't say I don't go there.

I guess I have to get out of the habit of trying to find an explanation for everything. After all, so many things are screwed up in the world. Dwelling on it doesn't help anyone, and it sure doesn't make me feel better. But we can't just sit back either...

How do you start writing a book? I sure as hell don't know. When I think about it, it all seems a bit contrived. I guess I feel like I have something to say but I'm not sure how to do that. Well, I guess you have to just start writing stuff.